Hey there,

       I think it's a good time to discuss a number of things in regards to your Facebook account. Specifically, You're not doing enough to make me want to commit self termination. I understand your logic. You're thinking, "James, your posts are pretty bland and dismissive too! And what's with that Mustache? No one wants to see that!" Well, I forgive you. I know you don't mean that because my mustache is quite fantastic and deep down I know you think it rocks.

       To help you in your time of need I have created a list of things you can do to make sure you have happy time success.

1. Get pregnant and take self photos in your bathroom or have your baby daady take a few hot preggers pics and then write a title like, " My heart is a million roses and something about the ages." Also, be sure to post baby bump photos each month in an album just for that purpose.
2. One word status updates. At all times. Things like "cupcake", "Pen", "lamp", etc.  Remember, the less we can tell what you're talking about, the better.
3. Go on an impossible mega vacation that no one could ever do. Ever. Take a space helicopter trip to the Horsehead Nebula and then talk about it for months even if no one asked you to.
4. Never give your opinion if you post a debatable topic. Some thing like, " Is President Obama's tie black or a very dark shade of blue?" Remember, Don't write anything that would give the impression you have an opinion. Even if you do.
5. Post all comments that, in all honesty, should be posted on your friend's wall only such as, " Hi. See you in the car." To do so, will insure people know you are way to busy to put things where they go. And you are. You so are.
6. Erase all pictures that don't have to do with "Living the dream" in Los Angeles and replace them with said pictures. Everyone everywhere loves everything that has to do with LA. Never gone to a party in Beverly Hills and Hollywood Hills in one night? Just photoshop yourself in the appropriate locations and post both pics on Facebook at the exact same time. No one will question how you were in two places at once that happen to be miles apart. They're too amazed that you went to those awesome parties!
7. Before I call you I want you to post a message on my wall saying "You're going to call me." If you don't, I'll never call. Ever.
8. Pictures of you with celebrities. Only if you're several yards away from the celebrity in the picture, Player! Be sure to demand all your friends refer to you as that celebrity's BFFROTFLOL.
9. Tag me in every photo that ever existed. Even if it's not on Facebook. Just write my name on the back of the photo.
10. Check me in only if I'm not aware that you are doing it. I know my options don't allow you to do that but try to do it anyway.
11. Everyone wants to know every mundane activity you are doing at all times. Post it! Things such as, " I am asleep!", "I don't have fingers", "My sight is gone."

     This was very painful for you to read, I know. Just do what I say because your Facebook page was too good, anyway! For serious, don't think about what you post. Just go for it! You're very important and so is your life. Remember me when you send out E-vites to your wedding. I probably won't go but send one anyway.

XOXO,
James